it's not fair

Our relationship isn't fair.

This is obvious - one of us doesn't use the stove and the other one handles all the bills and appointments. These are just easy examples of our unbalanced relationship. I am a caregiver, but in many ways, I have the better deal.

I have a spouse who asks me before he makes almost any purchase, but I buy whatever I want (although I often do consult him if it's something expensive). If my husband is sitting on the couch doing nothing, I question him about what he's doing, but he encourages me to relax and take a break or take a nap while he handles things. I have a husband who will go out of his way to make sure I am happy and comfortable. My husband has a wife who goes out of her way to make sure he's doing what he's supposed to be doing.

My husband is nicer than me. I wouldn't say he's more considerate or more thoughtful, but he is nicer. I am not nice. I am thoughtful and considerate, but I'm not nice.

Part of being a wife is taking care of Karl, which I do and do well. I am not nice about it though. I make sure he does what he needs to do, which means I remind and remind and remind and harass and harangue. I nag. I write notes and send texts and call to make sure he's doing what he needs to do. I micromanage. I interfere and referee. I tell him, often, to apologize.

I do not doubt that Karl functions much better because of me and because of my help. I know I make an enormous impact in his quality of life - I enable him to take classes at school and to parent our children in a respectful way and to function daily in our society - but still, I am not nice.

It must be exhausting to have a spouse who views you as work, who is constantly trying to make sure you are functioning at optimal levels. I wouldn't know. I do not have a spouse who takes care of me. I have a spouse who cares for me, which is entirely different.