Another day, another doctor

"I just want you to know, in terms of the brain injury, there's nothing we can do."

Karl and I nod.

"We know," I say.

"I just don't want you to think we can do much."

"You don't want to give us false expectations," I say. "We know."

She refuses to take my TBI pamphlet, letting me know she won't have time to read it.

I don't mind because apparently she is already familiar with the idea of neurodegeneration. She wants to get Karl's neuropsychology and speech pathology notes to see what they're doing for him, but she doesn't have anything else to offer.

She also wants to see any X-rays we have. She asked if he has ever had steroid injections in his back. She confirms that the notes on his X-rays mean that he has degenerative arthritis in his spine.

"A lot of people do," she tells us, explaining that she isn't sure it is a good enough reason to give Karl a handicap placard for his car. She signs an order for a two month temporary disability pass. This is long enough to allow us to get another appointment with his VA doctor, who is supposedly more familiar with Karl's issues.

Hopefully, the VA primary care doctor will give Karl a permanent disability placard... if I don't leave the room, if I make sure Karl talks about the pain he is in constantly, if I bring up the X-rays that doctor ordered. The civilian doctor today also mentioned that they usually do MRIs for severe back pain, so now I know to ask for one when we go back to the VA doctor.

"He's only 30," the doctor said today.

"We know."

We know he is young, but he is not. For Karl, 30 doesn't look like 30 did for me. I am 31 and I feel young. I can sit or stand for long periods without any pain. I don't wake up in the morning listening to my bones grind and pop against each other. I don't turn my heated car seat on regardless of the weather to ease the ache in my back. I do not limp at the end of the day. I still enjoy road trips when I spend 6 hours in the car at a stretch. After all, I am only 31. Karl is not only 30.

One doctor, years ago, told him he had the life experience and body of someone over twice his age. Karl remembers this because it resonated with him. He is not like other 30 year olds. He has a degenerative brain condition and a degenerative body condition - medical studies and doctors tell us he is falling apart and there is nothing they can do to stop it. His age is not a defense against his symptoms. His back doesn't hurt less because he is 30. He can't remember where he is because he is 30.

I think what the doctor meant today is that she sorry, but she doesn't believe he is in that much pain. Maybe she believes that although there is nothing to do for his mind, his body could get better. Maybe she meant he has a long life ahead of him and he should just get used to the pain.

When Karl drove over a bomb, he was only 24. It didn't save him.

"I want you to know there is nothing we can do."

There is nothing anyone can do. He drove over a bomb.