sounds like a jerk to me

My eyelids are swollen. They have been swollen for several days and finally it looks like the swelling is going down. I've spent the past 3 days in a dark room, sleeping excessively and resting my eyes. On Friday, Karl went to a later section of his class so he could pick up a prescription for me. On Saturday, Karl managed the kids all day so I could lay in bed keeping my eyes closed. On Sunday, Karl and the kids went to church and he missed singing in choir so that I could stay home and rest my eyes. Karl has also been getting me food, water and medicine. In short, he has been being a model husband.

I mention this because often when I am trying to explain what Karl's issues are, if my audience includes married women, they say, "sounds like a man to me," then laugh. I have so many problems with this statement, as a feminist and as someone married to a man with brain damage. It is a disservice to men to think they all act like they have brain damage and it is a disservice to my husband with brain damage to dismiss his issues by attributing them to his penis. What I want to tell women who say this is "maybe you're just married to a jerk."

When I read studies about how women still do more housework than men, I pause and take inventory. Karl does dishes. This was part of our marriage agreement, that he would do dishes. Karl usually does the laundry - washes, dries, folds, puts ours away. I get the kids to put theirs away. I typically unclutter because clutter drives me crazy. I grocery shop. I pay the bills. We don't sweep or mop with any regularity, so it's hard to say who does which more. The kids pack their own lunches and clean their own rooms. We have probably mowed an equal number of times. I cook more often for us and we probably cook equally for the kids. Karl feeds the dogs, with help from the kids. Karl feeds the chickens and puts them to bed more often but I spend more time socializing with them. In short, our housework is probably pretty evenly split. I do spend a significant amount of time reminding Karl to do the dishes, but he does them.

Even though I spend a lot of time refereeing between Karl and the kids, he is generally willing to be the "on" parent. If I have lost my patience and just need to run away, I can tell Karl and the kids "bye," and head out with no explanation. Sometimes I just go drive around for half an hour not having to do anything for anyone. This is usually at dinner or bedtime, which follows the same routine every night, so it is the perfect time for me to bail. Routines are much easier for Karl (and the kids) to follow than instructions.

Last night before we went to sleep, Karl said, "I'm sorry I'm a disappointment to you."

"You're not."

He isn't. Primarily because he isn't a jerk. He is an honorable, loving, giving man who happens to have brain damage. He does not use his injuries as an excuse not to parent or partner. In fact, I am the one who steps in to tell the kids not to climb on him because they're going to hurt his leg or his back. I am the one who tells him he can't carry both kids at once because I know he will be limping later if he does.

Karl works very hard at finding ways to minimize the effect his cognitive defects have on our lives. He uses his smart phone for its maps and calendar. He gives himself extra time to get around. He explains to his instructors that he has TBI and how it impacts him. He even occasionally listens to me when I explain things to him. He has problems parenting. He yells at the kids for being kids. He is not consistent with them. He forgets what he is supposed to be doing. Sometimes he takes his frustration about not knowing what he's saying or doing or where he's going out on us. Sometimes he acts like a jerk, but not because of his TBI. Sometimes he acts like a jerk because he's a person, much the same way all people act like jerks sometimes.

Most of the time, he does not act like a jerk. He acts like a fair and hard-working person who has cognitive defects. If you are married to someone who has no cognitive defects and often claims to "forget" things, you might just be married to a jerk.