having a little faith

In January of this year, I took my kids on a two week road trip. We left Austin and meandered to Sacramento and back. On the way we saw the Grand Canyon, the London Bridge, and a hundred other amazing things.

Before I left those who know my husband and I best asked if he would be okay and if I needed anything from them. I smiled and thanked them.

"The worst he can do," I said, "is burn the house down."

I wasn't worried because we have insurance and the only one home at risk would be my husband.

He didn't burn the house down. He did char a pan because he was warming food when he realized we were out of milk and left to get some from the store, but we were lucky and nothing actually caught fire. These things happen.

Today I am leaving for 9 days. It is the longest I will have ever been away from my children and certainly the longest I have ever left my children with Karl.

Karl is an amazing father... with a brain injury.

Typically when I leave for a weekend, I call at least once a day. I set up plans for the kids in advance. I make sure Karl has his vitamins, we have groceries, his alarms are set. Then I go. I remind myself that when I come home the mountain of laundry will be untouched, the car will still be filthy, the kids' rooms will still look like someone threw all their toys all over the floor just for fun. I remind myself that this will be okay with me, because I am expecting it and because I know my husband has been working very hard.

Leaving for a week is only slightly different. We have a roommate right now, which lessens my stress somewhat, but I have still gone through my usual routine. I have also included reminding my eldest child to give Daddy their homework folder everyday and asking my roommate to be a safety net. I have lost some sleep. This week is also different because I will not be calling home every day.

I wonder, every time I leave, if I am putting my kids in danger. Now that they are 4 and 7, able to swim, able to use the phone, able to go next door for help, I do not think so. I think my children have a lot of responsibility to be their own safety nets if something happens to Daddy or if Daddy forgets something, but I think that is okay. They are exercising their self-sufficiency. They are lucky to have a daddy who wants to be the best possible daddy.

So, now that the kids are older, my anxiety is not over whether my child will be forgotten in the bathtub but over whether my child will be forgotten at school. I have spent this week going over worst case scenarios. If my child is forgotten at school, the school will call my husband. My worries this week are not whether my family will survive, which is what my worries used to be, but whether my husband and my family will inconvenience people.

To quote a Sesame Street song, "we are all Earthlings." It is okay for my family to inconvenience people if that is what gets them successfully through the week. It is okay for me to be replaced by a village for 9 days. It is okay for me to take a break from making sure everything and everyone is okay all the time.