I was doing so good with posting every week-ish, but I've gotten off track.
It's hard to write because I want everything to be meaningful, at least to me, but sometimes I have nothing meaningful to say. We got another denial letter on our VA appeal. My husband has gone to a civilian doctor and gotten 50 x-rays that showed nothing, but the civilian doc is sending him to physical therapy. With holidays here, we have been busy. We are mostly planning... waiting and planning for the holidays and for the eventual move.
I have nothing to say. I am grateful that our lives enable us to move without job searches. I'm grateful our lives enable us to take time to fix the little things within our house. I'm grateful that despite my husband's injuries we have a life together that we like.
Same old, same old.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Newsflash
My husband is happy, actually happy. I cannot remember the last time I saw him happy. He fears he will be miserable for the rest of his life. He also fears the rest of his life will not be very long. I feel like part of my job, as his wife and official caretaker, is to make whatever life he does have left as good as possible.
To that end, we've decided to move to Washington state... and my husband is happy.
My best friend is not happy. My mother is unhappy. My kids have mixed feelings. But my husband is happy.
It's such a remarkable thing to see him happy about something. My husband is not generally mean or angry like some of the veterans I've met. He just doesn't care about anything. There is an underlying anger in him, but it is covered with layers upon layers of apathy. He has been this way since his second tour. There are moments that have made him happy, of course, like the birth of our daughter. I had planned on listing more examples but I couldn't come up with any. I'm sure there are vacations or movies or dates that have made him happy, but nothing has brought real joy to his life in years.
I know he is scared he will be unhappy in Washington too, but I think our list of reasons is compelling enough that even if he is unhappy there, our quality of life will improve. His physical health will improve because he'll be able to breathe - there are virtually no allergens in the Seattle area. His joint pain should ease some too because the weather changes aren't so drastic there. His emotional health will improve because he will be near the base where he served and men he served with. He will, for the first time since we moved to Texas four years ago, have friends.
After considering what this would mean for Karl, we started considering what it would mean for the rest of our family. Washington has better schools than Texas and the social/political climate is much more in line with my personal values. It is a better place to raise our kids, I think. There are also really good opportunities for gifted kids in the Seattle area. In addition, my daughter has the same allergies my husband does and we take her to the ER about twice a year for respiratory events. Moving to Washington will probably put an end to those biannual ER visits.
My eldest, 7, is excited to move and wants to move sooner than this coming summer. My daughter, 4, doesn't want to leave her preschool, but she has to leave preschool this May anyway.
So it seems like the perfect time. Now I have to figure out how to do it....
I have been asked a few times what I am getting out of this move, especially as I have only one or two friends left in the area. I have been asked why I'm leaving my support system. My hope is that if my husband is happier and healthier, my need for support will be lessened. My hope is that my family will be happier and healthier and then I will be happier and healthier.
To that end, we've decided to move to Washington state... and my husband is happy.
My best friend is not happy. My mother is unhappy. My kids have mixed feelings. But my husband is happy.
It's such a remarkable thing to see him happy about something. My husband is not generally mean or angry like some of the veterans I've met. He just doesn't care about anything. There is an underlying anger in him, but it is covered with layers upon layers of apathy. He has been this way since his second tour. There are moments that have made him happy, of course, like the birth of our daughter. I had planned on listing more examples but I couldn't come up with any. I'm sure there are vacations or movies or dates that have made him happy, but nothing has brought real joy to his life in years.
I know he is scared he will be unhappy in Washington too, but I think our list of reasons is compelling enough that even if he is unhappy there, our quality of life will improve. His physical health will improve because he'll be able to breathe - there are virtually no allergens in the Seattle area. His joint pain should ease some too because the weather changes aren't so drastic there. His emotional health will improve because he will be near the base where he served and men he served with. He will, for the first time since we moved to Texas four years ago, have friends.
After considering what this would mean for Karl, we started considering what it would mean for the rest of our family. Washington has better schools than Texas and the social/political climate is much more in line with my personal values. It is a better place to raise our kids, I think. There are also really good opportunities for gifted kids in the Seattle area. In addition, my daughter has the same allergies my husband does and we take her to the ER about twice a year for respiratory events. Moving to Washington will probably put an end to those biannual ER visits.
My eldest, 7, is excited to move and wants to move sooner than this coming summer. My daughter, 4, doesn't want to leave her preschool, but she has to leave preschool this May anyway.
So it seems like the perfect time. Now I have to figure out how to do it....
I have been asked a few times what I am getting out of this move, especially as I have only one or two friends left in the area. I have been asked why I'm leaving my support system. My hope is that if my husband is happier and healthier, my need for support will be lessened. My hope is that my family will be happier and healthier and then I will be happier and healthier.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
having a little faith
In January of this year, I took my kids on a two week road trip. We left Austin and meandered to Sacramento and back. On the way we saw the Grand Canyon, the London Bridge, and a hundred other amazing things.
Before I left those who know my husband and I best asked if he would be okay and if I needed anything from them. I smiled and thanked them.
"The worst he can do," I said, "is burn the house down."
I wasn't worried because we have insurance and the only one home at risk would be my husband.
He didn't burn the house down. He did char a pan because he was warming food when he realized we were out of milk and left to get some from the store, but we were lucky and nothing actually caught fire. These things happen.
Today I am leaving for 9 days. It is the longest I will have ever been away from my children and certainly the longest I have ever left my children with Karl.
Karl is an amazing father... with a brain injury.
Typically when I leave for a weekend, I call at least once a day. I set up plans for the kids in advance. I make sure Karl has his vitamins, we have groceries, his alarms are set. Then I go. I remind myself that when I come home the mountain of laundry will be untouched, the car will still be filthy, the kids' rooms will still look like someone threw all their toys all over the floor just for fun. I remind myself that this will be okay with me, because I am expecting it and because I know my husband has been working very hard.
Leaving for a week is only slightly different. We have a roommate right now, which lessens my stress somewhat, but I have still gone through my usual routine. I have also included reminding my eldest child to give Daddy their homework folder everyday and asking my roommate to be a safety net. I have lost some sleep. This week is also different because I will not be calling home every day.
I wonder, every time I leave, if I am putting my kids in danger. Now that they are 4 and 7, able to swim, able to use the phone, able to go next door for help, I do not think so. I think my children have a lot of responsibility to be their own safety nets if something happens to Daddy or if Daddy forgets something, but I think that is okay. They are exercising their self-sufficiency. They are lucky to have a daddy who wants to be the best possible daddy.
So, now that the kids are older, my anxiety is not over whether my child will be forgotten in the bathtub but over whether my child will be forgotten at school. I have spent this week going over worst case scenarios. If my child is forgotten at school, the school will call my husband. My worries this week are not whether my family will survive, which is what my worries used to be, but whether my husband and my family will inconvenience people.
To quote a Sesame Street song, "we are all Earthlings." It is okay for my family to inconvenience people if that is what gets them successfully through the week. It is okay for me to be replaced by a village for 9 days. It is okay for me to take a break from making sure everything and everyone is okay all the time.
Before I left those who know my husband and I best asked if he would be okay and if I needed anything from them. I smiled and thanked them.
"The worst he can do," I said, "is burn the house down."
I wasn't worried because we have insurance and the only one home at risk would be my husband.
He didn't burn the house down. He did char a pan because he was warming food when he realized we were out of milk and left to get some from the store, but we were lucky and nothing actually caught fire. These things happen.
Today I am leaving for 9 days. It is the longest I will have ever been away from my children and certainly the longest I have ever left my children with Karl.
Karl is an amazing father... with a brain injury.
Typically when I leave for a weekend, I call at least once a day. I set up plans for the kids in advance. I make sure Karl has his vitamins, we have groceries, his alarms are set. Then I go. I remind myself that when I come home the mountain of laundry will be untouched, the car will still be filthy, the kids' rooms will still look like someone threw all their toys all over the floor just for fun. I remind myself that this will be okay with me, because I am expecting it and because I know my husband has been working very hard.
Leaving for a week is only slightly different. We have a roommate right now, which lessens my stress somewhat, but I have still gone through my usual routine. I have also included reminding my eldest child to give Daddy their homework folder everyday and asking my roommate to be a safety net. I have lost some sleep. This week is also different because I will not be calling home every day.
I wonder, every time I leave, if I am putting my kids in danger. Now that they are 4 and 7, able to swim, able to use the phone, able to go next door for help, I do not think so. I think my children have a lot of responsibility to be their own safety nets if something happens to Daddy or if Daddy forgets something, but I think that is okay. They are exercising their self-sufficiency. They are lucky to have a daddy who wants to be the best possible daddy.
So, now that the kids are older, my anxiety is not over whether my child will be forgotten in the bathtub but over whether my child will be forgotten at school. I have spent this week going over worst case scenarios. If my child is forgotten at school, the school will call my husband. My worries this week are not whether my family will survive, which is what my worries used to be, but whether my husband and my family will inconvenience people.
To quote a Sesame Street song, "we are all Earthlings." It is okay for my family to inconvenience people if that is what gets them successfully through the week. It is okay for me to be replaced by a village for 9 days. It is okay for me to take a break from making sure everything and everyone is okay all the time.
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