fighting

"...and you're never getting divorced," our six year old proclaimed from the backseat.

She is too young to remember a time we talked about divorce, so I ask why we would get divorced.

"Because you fight a lot."

I try to explain that if we're fighting, Karl and I are okay, but I'm not sure it makes sense if you're six.

I do not try to explain that if Karl and I are teasing each other about divorce, it means we're fine. I often get calls on our home line asking for Karl. When I ask if I can help instead, they ask if I'm his wife.... "Today!" I say or "So far!"

We don't joke as much about divorce as we did in the early years, before I asked for a divorce, before we went to marriage counseling. We joke more about it than we did then though. It's hard to laugh about divorce when you're trying to figure out who gets the house.

I can't tell my daughter we'll never get divorced... because who knows? Life is hard. Marriage is hard. I don't think Karl and I will get divorced, because we've seen the road map back from a bad situation. We know that when it feels like we have nothing left to give each other, there is more. There is more hope. There is more love. There is more to our marriage than the bad days. There is more to our marriage than fighting.... even if it doesn't seem that way to the six year old in the back seat.

I wondered if I should feel guilty about it - my daughter thinking that we fight a lot. Maybe she'll marry someone she doesn't love and respect as much as her daddy and I love and respect each other because she's scared to fight all the time. Maybe she'll grow up and marry someone who throws cheese (although, to be fair, I only did it once and she was way too young to remember). Maybe she'll avoid relationships for fear that she'll end up like her father and I. I don't think so though.

Neither of my kids (six and nine) has ever gotten to the stage where they say "gross" or turn away when Karl and I kiss. And we kiss a lot. We make out on the couch in the living room. We walk around naked in front of each other. We take turns caring for each other when one of us is sick. I make sure Karl always has microwavable food on hand because he no longer uses the stove. Karl picks up my prescriptions from the pharmacy.

I think as a six year old, my daughter sees my exasperation with Karl and takes my love for him for granted. She doesn't hear other couples fight and she doesn't hear about other couples fighting. As she grows up and sees more couples, I think she'll have a better understanding of Karl and I as a couple. Yes, we fight a lot. But we also love a lot... maybe even more than we fight.