club membership

You're not in my club. No matter how compassionate or understanding or eager you are, you are not in my club. You might even have a family member who was in the military, but it doesn't mean you have any scope of understanding of what my club is.

I am hesitant to write this, because I want civilians to feel comfortable with veterans and their family members. I want civilians to want to understand. I don't want to alienate anyone.... but I am angry. I am worn down and furious.

I know that asking "what can we do to help?" is meant to be a helpful question, but the truth is, I don't know. I don't know how you can help. Stop the hero worship. Recognize that veterans and their families are people. Stop saying "Happy Memorial Day." Learn a veteran's story. However, remember that you are not in my club.

You do not get to joke with me if you are my waitress and my six year old tells you her daddy has a brain injury. You do not get to say "He seems really nice. Are you sure he has a brain injury?" You do not get to tell me that watching veterans eat for free one day a year at select restaurants at select locations off a special menu makes you want to join the military. You are not in my club.

The people in my club get to say "oh brain," and laugh, with Karl and I when he forgets something silly. They get to mock me for forgetting things by asking if I have TBI too. They get to ask, without hesitation, what my husband's ratings are and what they are for. They get to joke about free food one day a year at select restaurants at select locations off a special menu making all their sacrifices worth it.

I know that people who aren't in my club ask "what's his disability?" to be helpful.... but it doesn't come off as helpful, it comes off like the organizations who only want a veteran in a wheelchair to show up at their events. It comes off like they don't think my husband is disabled enough.

I am so frustrated because I feel like what I personally want for civilians is a difficult task. I want them to recognize that veterans are people. I also don't want them to define disabled veterans by their disabilities alone. I also want them to recognize that they aren't in my club and they don't get to make fun of my husband or fucking wheelchairs. I want people to want to hear our stories... really hear them. And understand them. And understand that free food one day a year is like trick-or-treating. It is Halloween for servicemembers. They put on their costumes - their hats or shirts or uniforms - and they go door to door asking for goodies. Just like children on Halloween, they endure comments about their costumes, their wars, their visible and invisible wounds.

I look at them and I know, I'm not in their club. I wore an old PT Army shirt of my husband's today. I was even mistakenly thanked for my service. I am not in their club though. I will never be. I won't go to war. I won't be drafted or volunteer. I won't know what it's like not to shower for forty days or do push ups until I vomit or drive a Stryker or an MRAP or a Humvee. I won't be locked down by fire in a stranger's home. I won't drive over an IED. I won't watch dust rise off everything around me. I won't smoke a cigar with another veteran who was there and laugh about someone reenlisting under fire. I am not in their club... and I guess what I want from civilians is what I strive to give the veterans in my life - respect, humanity, the benefit of the doubt, compassion, understanding, and recognition that I won't ever be in their club and that's okay, for me and for them.

It is okay not to be in my club. I'm sure there are many clubs you're a part of that I'm not - college or sports loyalties, church affiliations, chronic illnesses, dead family members, addictions, hobbies - and that's okay. I get that I am not part of your Subaru enthusiasm group. It doesn't make me better or worse, it just means I don't get your inside Subaru jokes and I probably won't try to tell you anything about my piddly knowledge of Subarus. We all have clubs. This club, the disabled veteran community I belong to because of my husband, is not a glamorous club.  It's just my life.