soul food

I am in Tucson on my best friend's couch. She woke me up before she left for work because today I fly home to my husband and my daughter and my eldest, who asked the day before I left if I thought it was a good idea to leave Daddy home alone with the kids.

Everything will be fine, I told them. We are now back in a place with lots of people to call if he needs help with something. Everything will be fine, I told them, after all, I haven't been at the house for more than 24 hours at a time since we moved in. Karl has been handling everything because my brother is in the ICU.

My brother is doing better, everyone expects him to live now. They're calling it miraculous, if that gives any indication of how bad things were.

On my birthday, they gave my brother a paralytic and put him in a medically induced coma.

So I spent my birthday in the ICU waiting room, eating chocolate cake a nurse who knows my mom bought for me. I offered a piece to everyone who walked by, but I made sure they sang Happy Birthday to me before they ate their cake.

On Sunday, on my way home from sleeping at the hospital again (I spent the first week straight we were in Texas at the hospital), I thought "I need something."

I went over a list with myself, sleep? church? food? Elle. I needed to go see my best friend. So I called her and then I told Karl and then I told my mom. Karl said, "have fun," and my mom said "when was the last time I asked myself what I need?"

It is a survival skill, asking myself what I need to recharge, to make it through the day, then giving it to myself. I haven't always been in a position to just get on a plane the next day, but I had the resources, so I came to Tucson.

My brother will hopefully be moved out of the ICU in the next day or two. My husband even remembered to make our kids take a bath... which he usually doesn't do when I'm out of town, but it's something I can let slide. So the kids might be dirty for a few days? It is a small price to pay to feed my soul. This time though, he even remembered to tell the kids take a bath and we are in a place where telling people that feels like bragging a little.