Fright or Flight

As we stood backstage, I listened to Karl's breathing. Then I pulled him to me for a hug. I was sitting and he stood in front of me as I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart race. I started thinking "What are we doing? How are we going to get out of this if he starts to panic?"

He pulled away from me and sat in a chair beside me. I watched him regulate his breathing and thought about the advice we'd been given to make what happens, to make his issues, a part of the performance. I wondered if him having a full blown panic attack, something that hasn't happened in six months, would be part of the performance or if me talking him down and removing him would be.

When it was time to start, when we were cued onstage, he was fine. I heard his breathing a few times, but he didn't panic, even when he forgot his lines and I cued him. I wasn't nervous about being onstage because instead I was nervous about Karl and also chagrined because he has asked me several times throughout our rehearsals if we could take a break from performing for awhile. Last year we did the commercial for WWP (which they never used) and now we're doing The Telling Project.

The Telling Project requires more from us than filming a commercial for WWP because we did rehearsals and memorized a script (culled from interviews we gave) and then performed in front of actual people. The commercial was just us, at home, talking to two people who worked for WWP and a cameraman. Regardless, after going along with me saying yes, Karl is finally saying no. He wants a break. So we will take a break.

He did so well with the rehearsals that I didn't realize how much I was asking of him until the moment before that first performance when I was really seriously thinking about how I could get him out of there if I needed to.... which is funny because Karl always has an escape plan for if people start shooting at him. It's one of those "the caller is inside the house" moments though - it isn't a shooter that's sending him into fight or flight, it's his own silly brain, reacting to nothing. My nerves of being on stage are such miniscule twinges compared with Karl's panic of telling someone about the one of the worst moments of his life, while coping with PTSD and TBI that makes it impossible to actually memorize a script.

I am proud of Karl. I know I'm a force and I love that he has taken a stand and said he's done for a while. I'm also proud of him for sharing his stories when they pull him to the brink of panic. I know he knows it's important for people to hear what war is like and I know what a struggle and challenge it is for him to share his war with others. I admire the way he works through his panic to stand onstage and be vulnerable.