hell

A friend shared this: The Definition of Hell for each Myers-Briggs Personality Type, and I thought it was funny.

Mine says: "ESFJ – Someone you love is in dire need of practical help and you can’t give it to them. Worse yet, they think you’re refusing to help them out of pettiness and they’re mad at you."

That would be SO frustrating!!! Equally frustrating is someone I care about in need of practical help who refuses to accept my help and instead keeps doing something that isn't working! (Oh, wait, that's my life, what with being a mom and all.)

I looked up Karl's, which says "INTJ – Every time you open your mouth to say something intelligent, something entirely idiotic comes out instead."

This is how he often feels with his brain injury.

"Yeah," Karl said when I read this to him, "that's why I don't say things a lot. Sometimes I don't say things 'cause I feel like it's gonna be wrong or inaccurate or not applicable to the conversation, you know? Also sometimes the things I say... they don't... they don't relate to other people. Even when I make it right, people are like 'what?'"

I told a friend this once: that Karl feels uncomfortable when he talks to people; that he feels uncomfortable in groups; that he loses conversations; that he plays with kids at parties because they're less demanding than adults. She said she hoped he wouldn't feel that way that night at guys' night. I knew he would. He usually does. It's just a matter of degree. He is less frustrated with people who are patient with him.

We were talking the other night with someone about the 3 groups he's currently going to: mindfulness, life skills, anger management... and I thought: no wonder people think he's normal. He works so hard at it. He works so hard to be normal.

He won't tell people when he doesn't understand where the conversation has gone, when he has lost the winding thread of it, he will just stand there, confused, because that is easier and less painful than trying to explain that he has no idea what is going on.

I don't feel sorry for Karl. He has an amazing life. We have an amazing life. Because I love him, sometimes my heart aches for his heartache. As we edge in on Memorial Day, my heart is aching as it does every year for all the losses Karl has suffered.

Here is a poem Karl has read me on several occasions. Some time this coming weekend, I will say a silent prayer for everyone who has died in battle, on every side, and for everyone who had to come home without them.