anger is a normal part of the greiving process

I am so angry I can barely function.

I need to go to the grocery store but I just sat in my car in my driveway listening to the radio until I started crying. I have been trying to figure out for days or even weeks what is wrong with me. I have been slowly honing in on the problem: I am mad.

I am pissed off that the VA agreed that my husband is permanently and totally disabled.

I am furious that we still aren't getting any help.

I am so mad. I am mad we have enough money when for years we didn't. I am mad that the money doesn't fix anything. I am mad that my husband still can't function. I am mad that he is mad at me because I talk to him like a child. I am mad at myself because I can't figure out how to talk to him like an adult. I am mad at him because he won't just face his deficits and find ways to live with them. A good example of this is the number of conversations we've had in which he has agreed to stop using the stove. Then we have the conversation again the next time he uses the oven or stove and leaves it on.... until I find it and turn it off or until the food and pan are charred. Last night he agreed again to stop using the stove. Again.

I am mad that as the only neuro-typical adult in this house, it is my responsibility to find the way forward, to convince him to face his deficits, to set the good example for him and the kids.

I am pissed off that we are no longer ever going to financially struggle and I can't just buy Karl a new brain. I don't want the stupid car or the new windows or even the stupid red cowgirl boots I bought myself for Christmas. I want....

I want so much that's never going to happen,

I'm so exhausted with the cycle of grieving that is my life.

Dear Doctor

Dear VA Dr,

While I appreciate the irony, rejecting my husband's request that you fill out paperwork for disability license plates while noting that he has "facet arthropathy," I would appreciate it more if you would have approved the paperwork. This is especially relevant as you apparently just diagnosed him with degenerative arthritis in his back. I also would have appreciated some acknowledgement of what "facet arthropathy" means and maybe a plan to act on the information. To recap, you refused to assist him in obtaining disability license plates whilst simultaneously providing information to support the request and I am both amused and furious.

Sincerely,
Just another person whose existence is utterly irrelevant to your big important job.