Grace

I have no words to a mother who lost her son. She reached out to me today and sent me a message asking me to hug my husband. Four years ago today my husband was speaking at her son's funeral. I have written about her son before. We called him Ice. He was a sweet kid who survived Iraq until he brought it home with him and it killed him.

His mom is part of our family. Families are funny things. You don't choose them and they are constantly evolving and devolving and shape-shifting. Joining the Army is like marrying into a very large, very dysfunctional family. Marrying someone in the military is like marrying someone who has been married before and still has a relationship with their ex. It is very convoluted: confusing trying to keep everyone straight - aunts, uncles, cousins, first sergeants, privates, veterans, in-laws. Meeting other veterans and their spouses is like meeting distant cousins, third cousins thrice removed, etc.

I don't like all of them. I certainly don't love all of them. I actually don't even know all of them, but they are tied to me. I am tied to them. I am indebted to them. I owe them my attention, my resources, my research, my stories. We are all in this together.

We are all in this together, but their losses are not my losses. I have not lost my husband or my son. When the men came home, I got my moment, my perfect moment. When my husband has struggled, he has come back. He brought the war home with him, but we are still living it. He is still fighting, but he is still here.

I recently saw the phrase "You can't take the War out of the Warrior." I love that. Because while the war is with us, every day, so is the warrior. I am grateful for that. I believe grateful is different than happy, because while happy is something you can work on, gratitude is for grace. I have gratitude for the small moments of grace, like finding a dollar in the road, and the much much larger moments of grace, like my husband coming home, scarred but alive. I am so saddened for the losses of those around me and I am grateful to have been spared, momentarily.

I am lucky and I do not know what to say to those who are not as lucky as me. None of us is deserving of heartbreak or golden moments.

"There but for the grace of God, go I."