A woman I met almost two years ago at a WWP retreat is currently asking for prayers on facebook for her husband, who is in the ICU. He went into the hospital for a hip replacement, but the day after he went home, he went back to the hospital because of complications. As of this afternoon, he was awake and smiling.

Veterans Day

I loved watching my facebook feed flood with pictures of friends and their families in uniform. They all look so young - the men and women grinning with guns or knives or buddies. My friends who are married to veterans also look younger, smiling in their wedding dresses, gazing lovingly at their husbands in dress uniforms, or glowing as they hug their just-returned loved one in dirty camo. I changed my facebook profile picture to a photo from seven years ago - Karl in his Class As and me in a gold dress at Hooah prom... uhhh, I mean, military ball. I also shared a picture of me holding our eldest, not yet two, standing between Karl and his friend Lane. That photo was taken nine days after Karl got home from Iraq, the day before we got married, the day Lane got home. Lane is holding a beer in this photo. I am wearing a Princess Hooah t-shirt.

My first memory of awareness of war or soldiers is saying "Peace in the Middle East!" and flashing a peace sign when I was about eight. I was with my brothers' cub scout troop on a tour of a news station. We had a script to read for our fake broadcast and it ended with "peace in the middle east."

I was surprised when I realized that I was marrying a soldier, that my life would revolve around being a veteran's wife, because I didn't see myself or my family as military friendly. We were not a military family.

money

I was recently discussing finances with some friends, one of whom was wondering if she should save some money or spend it on a vacation. As we have made increasingly more money, we've gone back and forth over and over and over again about how much to pay on our mortgage each month and how quickly we should try to pay it off versus enjoying our money. I've done a lot of research and even top financial advisers disagree about whether or not you should pay off your mortgage ASAP.  We choose to enjoy our money while we have it and only pay a little extra (100 - 200) each month.

We've evaluated how quickly we actually could pay down the mortgage and decided it wasn't quick enough to make a difference (before the kids graduate high school or any other major milestone). The kids will get free college if they stay in Texas for college anyway, thanks to the Hazelwood act, which waives tuition and fees at public schools for veterans (who enlisted in Texas) and spouses and children of totally disabled veterans (who enlisted in Texas). They will also receive a Chapter 35 GI Bill, which is what I'm getting. So if they go to a public school, they will get paid to go to school, like I'm going to, starting next month as I re-enroll in community college here. We don't need to worry about saving for the kids' college. We also don't have to worry about retirement, since Karl will continue to be paid for being disabled as long as our government is taking care of veterans.

Since Karl's brain injury is degenerative, we want to use our money now while we know he can enjoy it, rather than have more money later when he may not be able to enjoy it. All our money is blood money from his brain injury. So that colors our financial priorities too. If we paid off the mortgage, saved up, and in 20 years he's completely gone mentally and I have all the money I could ever spend, not only would that be absolutely worthless but I would feel so guilty that he didn't enjoy what his brain injury and other service-connected disabilities gave us. Sure we could build memories for the kids by sitting at home playing board games (which we do a lot) or all piling into bed together and reading (which we also do) but if Karl wants to go on a cruise next summer, wants to go to Italy the year after that, and absolutely 100% wants to go to South America before he dies, then those are more important financially to us than anything else.

book

I wanted to write a book. So I wrote one. Then I felt no compulsion to do anything else with it. Maybe I will one day, and my book will still be there, waiting for me. I thought writing a book would make me want to get it published, to promote it, to go on speaking tours, but it didn't. I like public speaking, which is weird I know, but I like having a purpose and a thing to say instead of floundering my way through social situations.

I have felt purposeless for at least the past year, since Karl's appeal was finally approved with the VA. Even before that my purpose was murky - I was fighting the VA, but much of that is passive, waiting; I was raising kids, but a lot of that is passive too, or mindless, sitting around while they are in school, waiting; I am a youth advisor at our church, but even that comes in fits and spurts of activity - most of my days were spent watching tv, running errands that had no urgency, waiting for something.

Now that we're back in Texas, I'm finally back in school. I'm actually taking more than a full course load because I want to finish and be done and be able to do something. While I know life is about the journey, not the finish line, it is about a journey, not day after day sitting around the house with nothing to do. I have volunteered with my kids' schools, with Meals on Wheels, with the public library, but even those positions were occasional and meant to fill my time more than they were to fill my needs.

Yesterday, our sweet, sensitive, thoughtful daughter asked my husband how many people he's killed.

funny

A few months ago, I was complaining, every morning, about the task of getting dressed for class. It seemed like such effort to pick out clothes and put them on. What did I want to wear? What was the weather going to be like when I was going to be outside? When had I last done laundry? Had I already worn a specific shirt this week or month? Was I wearing the same shirt every Tuesday?

It's funny, odd funny, not ha ha funny, because after a few months passed, and I was having to get dressed every day for an externship and I don't remember complaining. It was a different set of clothes - slacks, blouses, cardigans, instead of jeans, t-shirts, hoodies - and I got dressed quickly so I could grab breakfast quickly and get to the hospital quickly.

Then I got rear-ended, while wearing slacks and a blouse. And I cancelled my life.

It's funny, odd funny, not ha ha funny, because I shut my whole life down mere weeks before the whole world shut down anyway. I withdrew from my externship. I took a medical leave of absence from my school.

Easter

What is Easter but a celebration of a return to life?
Seeds sprout and babies are born and life returns where we thought there was nothing left.