Monday, April 27, 2020

alone

I don't know what it's like:
to be laying there,
alone,
in pain,
and the thing is,
it's your fault.
It is your fault you're there.
This was not an indiscriminate virus.
This was not a freak accident.
But it is also not your fault.
It is the bad luck of genetics.
It is the curse of our dna.
It is the tragedy of life.
That somehow
you are lying there
alone.

And it will either end

Or it will keep going

like this

forever

and ever.

It doesn't matter that it is your fault,

because it is still sad

for you to be alone

and in pain.

It is still sad.

Being angry and assigning blame are ways to avoid the sadness,
but underneath it all,
it is very, very sad.

Sunday, April 19, 2020

Love notes

I have been here
for fifteen years.

I used to come, pregnant,
to watch children who are now grown.

I used to bring my baby,
who was dedicated in this church,
to services,
where she would fuss
or crawl on the floor.

I brought that baby to her first day of preschool,
when she was three,
to the preschool renting space from the church,
on a scholarship.

I stood outside the doors and cried,
because that's what some parents do,
when their babies first indicate that one day they will be grown.

My baby fell on the playground,
on the bridge,
and she has a scar on her face,
where it was glued shut,
but we know it's from the playground.

That playground is where we gathered,
where both of my children
met friends,
hunted for Easter eggs,
ate popsicles,
hung upside down,
crossed the monkey bars,
cried when it was time to leave.

I mentored youth,
who babysat my babies.

Now my firstborn is a youth,
who volunteers in the nursery.

They say it takes a village,
and this is my village.

My babies have grown here,
nurtured and supported
by their friends' parents
by their Sunday teachers
by the people who feel comfortable gently correcting them in the halls.

But I have grown here.
From someone who needed more nurturing
to someone who provides nurturing,
with support through my cancer, my degree, the ups and downs,
by my children's friends' parents,
by the pastoral care committee,
by the people who have known me since I was a youth myself, through wider circles,
by those who have seen me as a leader,
which made me become one,
by those who voted for me to help lead this church,
by people who feel comfortable gently confronting me in the halls.

It takes a village to raise a child,
this is my village,
and it has raised me.

Thursday, April 9, 2020

Prayers II

I think of coming weary and broken to a God who heals.
But I don't know that God.
I think of the friends who have tried to lead me to their God,
but even though I can see their God,
it is not my God.
(Not that I believe in multiple Gods, just that I recognize that God is not mine -
I think of Laban telling Jacob that Jacob's God had appeared to him,
but Laban had many Gods,
and they are not my Gods either.)
I think of trying to bargain with God,
when I wanted a doll,
and I begged that if God gave me the doll,
I would believe.
I recognize this type of faith now,
when I see bargaining,
someone who wants their mother spared,
someone who wants their child whole,
someone begging a God they don't know for proof that God cares.
But what brings me closer to whatever God is,
is listening to you pray for me.
When I hear each of you pray,
I think about words,
I think about how words don't matter,
because when you are praying,
you are opening your heart,
to me, for me, with me.
When you pray,
I believe in your God.
What has most affirmed my call to ministry,
has not been ministry,
it has been that each of my colleagues
is so beautifully human,
laughs at my jokes,
opens themselves to me,
and makes me feel like I belong among them.
Then I hear you pray,
or I read the prayer you send,
and I know you are meant to be in ministry.
And if I am your peer,
that must also be where I am meant to be.

Friday, April 3, 2020

Prayers

How can I pray for you? she asks us.
And how can we pray for you, I ask.
We ask for prayers for those who are working so hard,
we ask for discernment,
and patience,
and grace,
for ourselves and others.

Someone texts back,
a heartfelt prayer,
may we have what we need,
guidance,
and patience,
and grace.

I did not grow up in their kinds of churches,
ones with prayers and prayer requests,
ones with Bible verses.

I did grow up in their kinds of churches,
with people who cared for me and loved me.

I have not before had a group who asked,
casually,
easily,
sincerely,
how can I pray for you?

And I know that whatever I ask for, they will pray for,
heartfelt and sincere.

We share wine and secrets and gossip,
grief and shame and worry,
and we pray.